Wisdom from a teacher

In an open letter to a seminary spouse, Mike Milton reflects on his career as a husband, father, and pastor. Drawing from his own life experience, Dr. Milton offers advice on how to live well with family, friends, and congregation in the life of ministry.

January 4, 2012

Dear Students in the Gospel of Christ:

Recently, I was asked by a young wife and mother to write some thoughts on ministry reflections for her husband, a seminarian. Specifically, this godly young woman wanted me to answer the question, “As you look back on life and ministry, and where he is in life as a seminarian, what wisdom would you offer him as a husband, father, a man of God preparing for ministry? What would you do differently? What went well? What counsel would you give him? This will be my gift to him.” Well, perhaps she might have done better at Macy’s or with another minister, at least. But here is my reply. If the Lord could use anything in it in your life, then I would be most thankful.

“Here are some reflections on your wonderful question: As I look back on the season of life that your husband is in, I would…

…thank God even more for a faithful wife who was made by God to help me; with wisdom, insight into the challenges I face, the opportunities I have, and to listen better, more carefully, to her God-given intuitive understanding of how I could be a better father, husband and man of God.

…listen more and enjoy the changing cycles of growth in John Michael, our son. In short, enjoy the present stages in your little ones’ lives; soon they will pass. I have always told my son, all through his growing up, “Son, do you know what my favorite age is for a boy?” He soon learned that I would say his age back to him. Recently I asked him that and he told me, “Dad, I think it is (pause…): seventeen!!!” “Yes, Son. That is my favorite age for a child.” Yet don’t just say it, take time to soak up the unique blessings and challenges of every age.

… discipline more with honey and not only the rod. I would seek to help them understand that obedience really is better and leads to greater blessings, more “treats,” if you will.

… build more margin into my life, remembering life and ministry is a marathon, not a sprint.

… follow Jonathan Edwards, George Washington and others (and do so earlier than I have) to study their wisdom and then, like them, write a personal resolution or covenant with the Lord.

… pray more.

… smile more.

… be less concerned about spilled milk and more concerned about wasted time.

… play more board games with my family.

… watch even more old classic movies with my family during the sweet holiday seasons. I recommend doing so in flannel pajamas, holding all of your children in your lap until they fall asleep. Big bowls of ice cream are highly recommended at such times. Then I would spend time with my wife and a good hot chocolate; and more old movies (but this time holding her in my lap)!

… sing more old hymns at night before bed.

… spend more time in yard work, feeling the good earth in my hands, and helping my family to see the joy of tending a garden together. Gardening teaches so much. It is a tonic for the soul. Children will always remember the time of learning lessons from dad in the garden.
And for some practical advice for your husband:

… read “A Cotter’s Saturday Night” by Robert Burns and seek to keep the family devotional light on each night. Don’t let your family leave for school and you for your daily work until you have read the Word and offered morning prayers.

… pray over and bless your wife and children by name. The voice of a father speaking a child’s name before the Lord in prayer will make an indelible mark on the soul of a child. It will also bind the heart of the wife to her husband in an even greater way. This is a satisfying and fulfilling way to care for your family spiritually, not just materially. In fact, the spiritual role gives meaning to the other roles as provider of the family.

…recognize that, in work, in ministry, you cannot serve out of an empty reservoir. Spend more time in prayer. Read widely and deeply. Keep sermon outlines simple. Less is more. Slower is more effective.

…in work, anticipate your appointments. Be fully present with others. Then reflect on what God is saying to you through that appointment or ministry event or person.

…consider difficulty as part of the minister’s job description. Be caring but don’t enter the infected wounds of others. Be a good physician of the soul. Look beyond presenting issues to find real issues. Never respond to criticism without taking it to the Lord first and asking, “Lord, what sticks and what should I not be concerned with.” Worry less and talk more with the Lord.

…love God. Love people. Love prayer and Word and approach the sacraments with a simple faith that will recalibrate you as a minister and a believer back to the cross.

…Never do ministry alone. Always invest in others and always multiply ministry.

…Let the Lord be your vindicator. A defensive minister always comes across as, well, defensive. Let your silence and your prayers be an example to others in conflict.

…say “I am sorry” and mean it, quickly. Keep, as they say, short accounts with others.

…never leave home at odds with your wife or children. Gather them and plead with God for peace. Lead them by asking for forgiveness first. We all are usually culpable in some way, so forget about who is right and wrong and just consider that you are as wrong as others. If there is in fact an offense of a child that has upset you, address it before you leave. There is no guarantee that you will ever be together again. So never leave home until there every member of the family knows that you love them.

Finally, in all areas of life, begin each day with a prayer, ‘Lord, keep me broken at the foot of the cross.’

So those are my humble thoughts. I pray that you can use some of this advice from one broken, recovering man to another.”

I pray that these thoughts may be of some use to you as you wind your way into a new year of life and ministry. God bless and keep you. You and your families are the treasures we exist to reach and send forth into the harvest fields of the Lord.

Yours faithfully,

Chancellor/CEO Elect
James M. Baird Jr. Professor of Pastoral Theology

Reformed Theological Seminary